Reconnecting Online: What’s Old is New Again

By AskHer's Relationship Expert, Dina L. McMillan, PhD

You’d have to be living in an underground cave not to notice how many social networking sites have injected themselves into our lives. Sites like myspace, facebook and twitter are so popular that businesses and broadcast television shows now brag about their links with these pages.

The business implications are obvious. For instance, I recently mentioned a new line of facial treatments that made me look a decade younger on my profile. Within an hour I started receiving a barrage of requests by my facebook and twitter friends, male and female. These sites are an easy way of advertising to people who know you, know of you, or know someone who knows you.

But what about the personal element? Well, you can teach your mom to open facebook so she’ll stop constantly texting you to make sure you’re still alive and well. Having your mobile’s loud, insistent beep sound off when you’re nursing a hangover or finally getting busy with your boyfriend can be distracting.

Recently, however, there’s been a lot of talk about the possibility of doing more than posting periodic notes assuring family and friends you’re healthy and gainfully employed. The sites can let you reconnect with people you used to know. All you do is type in their name and you can pop onto the profile of the ‘best friend for life, we’ll never lose touch’ buddy you haven’t spoken to in five, ten or fifteen years.

Network designers were smart to add this feature. After all, it’s a factor of modern life that some of the people we knew during childhood and our teens have moved off to the four corners of the world. For a military brat like myself, there aren’t enough corners on the planet to hold all of the people I knew and loved in my youth (as Dad was transferred every 3-4 years).

And while I would love to know what my girlfriends from when I was fifteen have done with their lives, mention of this option made me immediately think of the possibility of linking with the guy I loved madly and completely in high school. And who I haven’t seen or spoken to in more than ten years.

I’m not the only one who thinks this way. My sister’s best friend Cathy thought the same thing when she signed up with one of the more popular networking sites several years ago. She asked one of her online friends if she’d heard from a guy Cathy had dated in high school (which was more than ten years in her past at the time). After finding out he’d recently ended a long-term relationship, she contacted him to be one of her online friends. He agreed and they started communicating.

To cut a long story short, they married a year later and are now blissfully happy with two children. I admit to being a complete softie for stories like this. Especially as I know she’s not the only one to rediscover love online with someone she knew well at an earlier point in her life.

Yet, like everything there’s a right way and wrong way to approach this manner of reconnecting. Below are some of ‘Dr Dina’s Smart Tips’ to make sure your reconnect is more of a dream than a nightmare:

Positive Aspects of Reconnecting Online:

1. You can look through his photos to see what he looks like now
2. You can explore his profile pages to understand a bit how he thinks. This works fairly well as long as you don’t use a network that’s only designed for romantic liaisons (and then I can save you time – he likes red wine and long walks on the beach)
3. You can see what kind of friends he has and what types of causes he supports and get involved in
4. It’s safer than connecting with total strangers
5. It can be fun to interact with someone who knew you before life happened

Points of Caution when Reconnecting Online:

• If he lives locally and posts social events where he didn’t invite you, it could hurt your feelings
• You could be disappointed by the way he’s changed since you knew him
• He could be disappointed by the way you’ve changed
• You may start feeling self-conscious about your posts
• He could be a ‘network-stalker’ with issues:

• a) After accepting him you realise you didn’t really like him when you dated
• b) That ‘little problem’ he had before now seems to have blossomed into full-blown manic depression or schizophrenia
• c) He sees your impressive holiday photos and starts asking you for money
• d) He uses the site to keep track of your movements and friends
• e) He pressures you for in-person contact when you really don’t want to meet up
• f) He posts embarrassing old snaps of you with big hair and small clothing
• g) He approaches your online friends and pressures them to add him to their social circle
• h) He only asks to be your friend to pressure you to join his network marketing scheme or ‘change your life in a weekend’ group

It’s okay to laugh. After all, chances are good that none of these terrible things will happen. Just be clued in when you approach or accept a request from a past romantic interest. Don’t expect him to be exactly the same and let him know how you’ve changed. If you meet in person, take it slow and get to know him again. Allow for the possibility that there’s no attraction any more. Also be aware the attraction may be as strong as ever (which could make things awkward if either of you is currently in a committed relationship). And don’t accept a friend request if you don’t really want to have that person in your life again.

By the way, two days after discussing this topic on Channel 9’s Today show, I got a ‘friend’ request from The Guy, the big crush of my life from high school. I know he couldn’t have seen the show as he lives in Texas with his wife and two sons. Who knows, though? Keeping track of people online is simple. He may even read this, but I don’t mind. I think where he’s concerned the cat is already well and truly out of the bag.