How to Deal with Money Problems in Relationships

Dina L. McMillan, PhD

Even during normal times, issues around money cause serious problems in relationships. Disagreement over finances is known to be a leading cause of divorce. So what’s the alternative?

How do you deal with money problems so you don’t break up your relationship, break out the chocolate cake or break a large item over his head? Any of those options won’t solve the problem. They’ll just leave you lonely, overweight and out on a good behaviour bond.

There are ways to handle disagreements of any kind that can produce a positive outcome. A positive outcome means arriving at a realistic solution that you can begin right away.

Step One: Pick your moment. It’s best to choose a time to discuss the topic when neither of you is emotional. Don’t bring it up at the end of a stressful workday. And make sure you have privacy, including from the children. If it doesn’t feel too forced, make an appointment to discuss it.

Step Two: Be specific. Make some notes for yourself about what you want to discuss. Put the most important items first. That way, if things become heated or the conversation is interrupted, you’ll still have covered what was uppermost on your mind.

Step Three: Be solution focused. Even if things have gone wrong for a while, return the discussion to what you’re going to do from now on. There are some wonderful financial advice sites online and in women’s magazines. Give it some thought and then follow it up with consistent action to improve the situation.

What to avoid: generalities and the blame game. Generalities are saying things like, ‘You never give me enough money for groceries.’ Replace it with, ‘Last week you gave me $100 for groceries although we needed to shop for two weeks.’

The blame game is simply putting the problem squarely on your partner’s shoulders. A variation is to change the subject to whatever your partner does wrong (in another area) rather than admit your own missteps. Saying things like, ‘I may spend too much but you drink too much,’ isn’t going to help anyone.

What to embrace: Take responsibility. This means really examining your own role in the problems. If there are financial issues in your family, everyone needs to admit their role. Each person also needs to take an active part in the solution.

Look at the issues outlined below and ask yourself if you’re guilty of any of them. If you aren’t sure, ask a relative or a friend. Just don’t yell at them if they say you’ve done any of them. Taking responsibility also means accepting tough information about ourselves.

Common mistakes:

• Ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. It won’t. And if it’s a financial problem it will just compound in late fees, interest payments and bad credit marks on your report.
• Cleaning up or picking up after someone who doesn’t do what they should. This is also called ‘enabling’ and it’s not a compliment. It’s a way of setting yourself up for a life of frustration and aggravation. If it’s financial, it could mean reducing your future financial security.
• Complaining but accepting. Complaining to or about someone doesn’t mean you’re actively doing anything to protect yourself. Some of the most active enablers I know are also complainers.
• Leaning. It’s interesting how often people who are organised and financially responsible become romantically entangled with people who are not. If your partner is the responsible one, this means you don’t do more than make empty promises to improve your behaviour.
• Sputtering. This is either starting and quitting after a short while, or developing a good course of action that you only apply sporadically. Doing the right thing every time is how you improve your life.
• Procrastinating. Telling yourself you’ll improve your financial issues sometime in the future. Maybe. If the economy improves. And you finally lose those last 5 kilos without trying.

As you’ve noticed, the steps above can apply to any issue that’s bothering you. They’re simple and effective ways to communicate with someone and start changing your life. Be smart, though. Start with yourself and then move on to trying to change someone else.